Hammy, or Channel Awesome Does Hamlet
by Pink Wolf Princess
Summary: The Spoony One's latest idea is one Nostalgia Critic finds extremely stupid.  Rally up everyone 'important' and have them try to do Shakespeare.
1. Chapter 1: Casting the Characters

All right, this little plot bunny has been bouncing around ever since I saw Doug's real review of _Breaking Down Internet Reviewers Everywhere_. Er, sorry, I meant _Breaking Dawn_. Anyway, all I own is the plot bunny (though technically by now everyone has a little share of Shakespeare).

This is fic number 50: go me! It only took me a little over two years too… so in other two I might reach double digits. Yay?

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><p>"Spoony, NO," Nostalgia Critic tried again to convince his fellow reviewer. "This is a bad idea. Where did you even GET this idea?"<p>

"Dr. Insano gave it to me, saying he broke the fourth wall to get it… I think he's been in contact with Linkara again," Spoony mused absently as he reviewed a sheet of paper on a clipboard. Nostalgia Critic and Spoony weren't alone at Spoony and Miles' place; about thirty other reviewers were there as well.

Nostalgia Critic buried his face in his hands, muttering dour predictions to himself about how this would end, especially so soon after the _Moulin Rouge_ fiasco. Sticking the pencil behind his ear Spoony got everyone's attention. Everyone present knew that Spoony was going to have them put on a production of _Hamlet_. It'd been in the e-mail inviting them.

"All right, people. I've got a loose casting set up; anyone who doesn't have a role will be background people and fill in any blanks that show up, 'kay?"

Oancitizen looked aggravated. "This is Shakespeare! You can't be casual about Shakespeare!"

"No, this is Channel Awesome," Spoony smirked. While Oancitizen sputtered furiously Nostalgia Critic started to bang his head against the wall. This was so going to blow up in everyone's faces but Spoony didn't seem to care. Then again, he was Dr. Insano's alter ego.

"Anyway, a few girls will have to play boys but hey, the reverse happened all the time back then so whatever. Oancitizen, because you annoy me you'll be the messenger. Whenever messages are needed to be given… that'll be you. And you'll also try to keep us vaguely not completely ruining the play…"

"Lovely."

"Yep. Linkara, because you're a dramatic guy and my best buddy, you're the title role. Iron Liz, you'll be Horatio. That means you live."

"I'm not the love interest?" Iron Liz commented bemusedly. Spoony shook his head, "No, that's Obscurus Lupa since she's good at being psychotic and ditzy."

"Hey!" grumbled the redhead.

"Handsome Tom and 8-bit Mickey, guess your roles."

"Rosencrantz…" began Handsome Tom, and 8-bit Mickey finished, "And Guildenstern."

"Precisely. Sad Panda and Welshy, you two are Francisco and Bernardo."

"What about me?" beamed Film Brain as he passed an ice pack to Nostalgia Critic. Gratefully Nostalgia Critic pressed it to his throbbing forehead.

"Film Brain, you'll be the English ambassador."

"Yay!"

"Ahem," went Luke Mochrie, arms akimbo. Checking his clipboard Spoony said, "Luke, you're some random dude named Marcellus. Nash, you're another random dude named Cornelius."

"What about me?" pouted Nostalgia Chick.

"Chick, you're Queen Gertrude. Nella and Elisa are your attendants. Cinema Snob is King Claudius."

"Goody," Cinema Snob said flatly.

"Angry Joe, you're Orsic because that's a cool name. Benzaie- you're a priest. Bennett, you're some guy named Reynaldo. I'll be the gravedigger and Dr. Insano is the Norwegian captain."

"What about me?" asked MarzGurl. Spoony responded, "You'll be the Player Queen and Phelous is the Player King. Jew Wario- any trouble being Polonius."

The blonde man shrugged. "It's the price to pay for being the oldest…"

"Exactly. Miles, you're a gentleman."

"Yeah, for letting you do all this stuff here," grumbled Spoony's big brother before it hit him. "Oh, no. No, no, no, no, NO."

"Yes," smirked Spoony. "It's just a bit part."

"Ugh."

"Thank you! You're a good brother."

"Too good," muttered Miles under his breath.

"Pushing Up Roses, sorry but you're Boltimand. Paw Dugan, you're Laertes."

The pair nodded.

"Todd in the Shadows, you'll be the ghost of Hamlet's dad."

"Sweet."

"What about me?" asked Suede.

"You're Fortinbras, which means you get to live too!"

"That's always nice."

"Oh: Nostalgia Critic and Other Guy, stick around because there's a pair of clowns you too might need to play."

Removing the ice pack Nostalgia Critic began to bang his head against the wall again. This was so stupid; they were Internet reviewers, not classical actors.

"Okay, we can keep the scripts on hand because otherwise this would get unbelievably off the rails… Ed and I are in charge of filming…"

"Let's do this in the park," suggested Nostalgia Chick. "One acting company puts on Shakespearean plays in Central Park sometimes."

"That sounds like a good idea," agreed Spoony. "Everyone: to the park!"

Some more reluctantly than others the members of Channel Awesome headed off to the park to do this thing.


	2. Chapter 2: Act I, Scene I

The people at Channel Awesome own themselves. Anything nerdy mentioned isn't mine either.

Shakespeare's lines will be bolded.

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><p>Everyone had made their way to the park, the sky above overcast. Spoony announced, "Okay, Sad Panda and Welshy are up. Iron Liz, Luke Mochie, and Todd in the Shadows, be on standby. Everyone else: SHUT UP!"<p>

"Right," Iron Liz saluted with her spare hand, having crammed her hair under a paperboy cap. Ed Glaser turned on the camera, preparing to begin filming.

Everyone besides Spoony, Ed Glaser, the Other Guy (who'd be doing the secondary filming), Iron Liz, Sad Panda, Welshy, Luke Mochrie, Todd in the Shadows, and Spoony dispersed. They either formed groups to play D&D or Pokémon, got out a book or DS, or in the Nostalgia Critic's case began banging their head against a distant tree in confirmation of how he knew this would fail spectacularly somehow.

Welshy climbed up a tree, perching on a low-hanging branch. Sad Panda stayed just outside of the frame of the camera.

"And now…" Spoony nodded. Ed Glaser began filming.

As Sad Panda came into view Welshy called out, **"Who's there?"**

"**Nay,"** Sad Panda shook his head, **"answer me; stand, and unfold yourself."**

Welshy stood up on his branch. Clinging to the branch above with the hand not holding the script, he proclaimed,** "Love live the king!"**

"**Bernando?"**

"**He**,**"** nodded Welshy. Sad Panda responded, **"You come most carefully upon your hour."**

"'**Tis now struck twelve; get thee to bed, Francisco."**

Sad Panda leaned against Welshy's tree. **"For this relief much thanks; 'tis better cold, And I am sick at heart."**

Looking down, Welshy commented, **"Have you had quiet guard?"**

"**Not a mouse stirring**,**"** Sad Panda shrugged. Welshy commented, **"Well, good night. If you do meet Horatio and Marcellus, The rivals of my watch, bid them make haste."**

Spoony pointed at Iron Liz and Luke Mochrie as Sad Panda stated, **"I think I hear them. Stand, ho! Who is there?"**

Iron Liz and Luke Mochrie walked over to Sad Panda and Welshy's tree. The former responded, **"Friends to this ground."**

Drawing himself up, Luke Mochrie stated, **"And liegeman to the Dane."**

"**Give you good night,"** nodded Sad Panda, making to leave. Luke Mochrie commented, **"Who hath reliev'd you?"**

Sad Panda stated, **"Bernando hath my place. Give you good night."**

Whistling "Flight of Fantasy" he walked away off-camera. Looking around Luke Mochrie frowned, **"Holla! Bernando!"**

From up in his tree Welshy commented, **"Say- What, is Horatio there?"**

"A piece of him," nodded Iron Liz, looking up at Welshy. Welshy responded, **"Welcome, Horatio, welcome, good Marcellus."**

Anxiously Luke Mochrie inquired, **"What, has thing appear'd again to-night?"**

Welshy shrugged, **"I have seen nothing."**

Taking a few steps away from the tree Luke Mochrie stated, **"Horatio says 'tis but our fantasy, And will not let belief take hold of him Touching this dreaded sight twice seen of us. Therefore I have entreated him along With us to watch the minutes of the night, That if again this apparition come, He may approve our eyes and speak to it."**

Arms akimbo Iron Liz snorted in disbelief. **"Tush, tush! 'twill not appear."**

With an eye-roll Welshy told her, **"Sit down, awhile, And let us once again assail your ears, That are so fortified against our story, What we have two nights seen."**

"**Well sit we down, And let Bernardo speak of this,"** conceded Iron Liz.

Iron Liz climbed up the tree and took another branch, Luke Mochrie right behind her. Ed Glaser moved in with the camera as they settled themselves, Spoony busy whispering last-minute directions to Todd in the Shadows. Once the other two were comfortable Welshy began.

"**Last night of all, When yond same star that's westward from the pole Had made hhis course t' illume that part of heaven Where now it burns, Marcellus and myself, The bell beating one-"**

Todd in the Shadows appeared in the camera's field a few yards behind the tree. Pointing at him Luke Mochrie stated, **"Peace! break thee off; look, where it comes again!"**

All three turned to stare at Todd in the Shadows, who stared back. Gesturing at Todd, Welshy told Iron Liz, **"In the same figure, like the king that's dead."**

Looking over at Iron Liz, Luke Mochrie pleaded, **"Thou art a scholar; speak to it, Horatio."**

"**Looks 'a not like the king? mark it, Horatio."**

"**Most like: it harrows me with fear and wonder,"** Iron Liz conceded. Welshy urged her further. **"It would be spoke to."**

Nodding, Luke Mochrie added, **"Question it, Horatio."**

Taking a deep breath, Iron Liz got down from the tree and approached the tree, followed by Ed Glaser with the camera. Meanwhile the Other Guy turned on the second camera to focus it on the two in the tree. Todd stayed frozen as she stopped several feet away from him.

"**What art thou that usurp'st this time of night, Together with that fair and warlike form In which the majesty of buried Denmark Did sometimes march? by heaven I charge thee, speak!"**

Nose up in the air, Todd wheeled around and started to walk off. Luke Mochrie winced, **"It is offended."**

Welshy agreed, **"See! it stalks away."**

Todd kept walking away, since it had been preplanned to add in special effects later that showed him disappearing. Iron Liz called after him, **"Stay! speak, speak! I charge thee, speak!"**

But Todd just kept walking away. While Ed Glaser turned off his camera, a shaken Iron Liz returned to the tree, leaning against it as Luke Mochrie spoke worriedly.

"'**Tis gone, and will not answer."**

Looking down at her, Welshy commented to Iron Liz, **"How now, Horatio! you tremble and look pale. Is not this something more than fantasy? What think you on it?"**

Shaking her head Iron Liz said, **"Before my God, I might not this believe Without the sensible and true avouch of mine own eyes."**

Kicking his legs back and forth Luke Mochrie commented, **"Is it not like the king?"**

Nodding, Iron Liz replied soberly. **"As thou art to thyself; Such was the very armor he had on When he the ambitious Norway combated; So frown'd he once, when, in an angry parle, He smote the sleaded pole-axe on the ice. 'Tis strange."**

"**Thus twice before, and jump at this dead hour, With martial stalk hath he gone by our watch," **Luke Mochrie informed her. Scratching her head Iron Liz commented, **"In what particular thought to work I know not; But in the gross and scope of my opinion, This bodes some strange eruption to our state."**

Pointing at the branch Iron Liz had occupied before, Luke Mochrie read from his script carefully: **"Good now, sit down, and tell me, he that knows, Why this same strict and most observant watch So nightly toils the subject of the land; And why such daily cast of brazen cannon, And foreign mart for implements of war; Why such impress of shipwrights, whose sore task Does not divide the Sunday from the week; What might be toward, that this sweaty haste Doth make the night joint-laborer with the day; Who is 't that can inform me?"**

Iron Liz climbed back to her branch and sat down before speaking.

"**That can I; At least, the whisper goes so. Our last king; Whose image even but now appear'd to us, Was, as you know, by Fortinbras of Norway, Thereto prick'd on by a most emulate pride, Dar'd to the combat; in which our valiant Hamlet (For so this side of our known world esteem'd him,) Did slay this Fortinbras; who by a seal'd compact, Well ratified by law and heraldy Did forfeit with his life all those his lands Which he stood seiz'd of, to the conqueror; Against the which a moiety competent Was gaged by our king, which had return'd To the inheritance of Fortinbras, Had he been vanquisher; as, by the same con'nant, And carriage of the article design;d, His fell to Hamlet. Now, sir, young Fortinbras, Of unimproved mettle hot and full, Hath in the skirts of Norway here and there Shark'd up a list of lawless resolutes, For food and diet, to some enterprise That hath a stomach in 't; which is no other, As it doth well appear unto our state, But to recover of us by strong hand And terms compulsatory, those foresaid lands So by his father lost. And this, I take it, Is the main motive of our preparations, The source of this our watch and the chief head Of this post-haste and romage in the land."**

For nearly a minute everyone pretty much gaped at Iron Liz for getting all of that out before Welshy remembered that he needed to speak up next.

"**I think it be no other but e'en so; Well may it sort that this portentous figure Comes armed through our watch, so like the king That was and is the question of these wars."**

Pensively Iron Liz replied, **"A mote it is to trouble the mind's eye. In the most high and palmy state of Rome, A little ere the mightiest Julius fell, The graves stood tenantless and the sheeted dead Did squeak and gibber in the Roman streets. [Astounding portents fill'd the element,] As stars with trains of fire and dews of blood, Disasters in the sun; and the moist star Upon whose influence Neptune's empire stands Was sick almost to doomsday with eclipse; And even the like precurse of fear'd events, As harbingers preceding still the fates And prologue to the omen coming on, Have heaven and earth together demonstrated Unto our climatures and countrymen."**

Luke Mochrie whistled in admiration. However, in the background Todd in the Shadows made a reappearance that the three soon noticed.

"**But, soft, behold! Lo, where it comes again!"** Iron Liz commented, jumping out of the tree. Getting to her feet she continued, **"I'll cross it, though it blast me. Stay, illusion!"**

While the Other Guy followed Iron Liz with his camera, Ed Glaser turned back on his camera to get footage of Welshy and Luke Mochrie watching her speak to the 'ghost'.

She stalked towards Todd, calling out, **"If thou hast any sound, or use of voice, speak to me!"**

Todd spreads his arms out expressively but doesn't speak. Grimly Iron Liz took another step forward. "**If there be any good thing to be done, That may to thee do ease and grace to me, Speak to me!"**

She stepped forward again.

"**If thou art privy to thy country's fate, Which happily foreknowing may avoid, O speak!"**

Once more she stepped forward, now barely a yard separating them.

"**Or if thou hast uphoarded in thy life Extorted treasure in the womb of earth, For which, they say, you spirits oft walk in death-"**

Angry Joe did his best rooster impression, 'causing' Todd to step back as he opened his mouth. Grimly Iron Liz told Todd, "**Speak of it: stay, and speak! Stop it, Marcellus!"**

Mouthing 'me?' Luke Mochrie went on to inquire, **"Shall I strike at it with my partisan?"**

"Your what?" mouthed Welshy. In any case, both leapt down from the tree and dashed over to Iron Liz as she called out, **"Do, if it will not stand."**

"'**Tis here!"** proclaimed Welshy and Horatio echoed, **"'Tis here!"**

But Todd walked off-screen, special effects to be added later.

With a sigh Luke Mochrie said**, "'Tis gone! We do it wrong, being so majestical, To offer it the show of violence; For it is, as the air, invulnerable, And our vain blows malicious mockery."**

Welshy pointed out, **"It was about to speak when the cock crew."**

Luke Mochrie couldn't hide a snigger. Smacking the younger nerd upside the head Iron Liz then declared, **"And then it started like a guilty thing Upon a fearful summons. I have head, The cock, that is the trumpet to the morn, Doth with his lofty and shrill-sounding throat Awake the god of day; and at his warning, Whether in sea or fire, in earth or air, Th' extravagant and erring spirit hies To his confine; and of the truth herein This present object made probation."**

Rubbing the back of his head Luke Mochrie added, "**It faded on the crowing of the cock. Some say that ever 'gainst that season comes Wherein our Saviour's birth is celebrated, This bird of dawning singeth all night long And then, they say, no spirit dare stir aboard; The nights are wholesome; then no planets strike, No fairy takes, nor witch hath power to charm, So hallow'd and so gracious is that time."**

Pensively Iron Liz agreed, **"So I have heard and do in part believe it, But look, the morn in russet mantle clad, Walks o'er the dew of yon high eastward hill. Break we our watch up; and by my advice Let us impart what we have seen to-night Unto young Hamlet, for, upon my life, This spirit, dumb to us, will speak to him. Do you consent we shall acquaint him with it, As needful in our loves, fitting our duty?"**

Welshy nodded but it was Luke Mochrie who spoke.

"**Let's do 't, I pray; and I this morning know Where we shall find him most conveniently."**

"That's a wrap," stated Spoony happily as the first rumble of thunder was heard. Iron Liz flopped down onto the grass, apparently exhausted from saying such long multiple speeches with almost no beforehand pratice. Welshy and Luke Mochrie looked like they wouldn't mind joining her either.


End file.
